I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
