mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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