i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
