the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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