You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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