Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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