I think my vagina is haunted
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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