Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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