So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
