Your face is a jimmy john
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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