If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
