The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
