Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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