I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
