Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
