Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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