sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
