I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
