god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
