the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Are my feet made of real feet?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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