that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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