I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
