She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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