alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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