My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
