Im at strip club and am horny
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We are two peas in an std pod
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
