A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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