i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
