Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
