Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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