and next time when you feel me up, do it right
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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