Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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