yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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