last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
