Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
BRING THE BAGELS
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
