He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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