When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
