i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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