Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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