I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
