Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
