I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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