Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
