Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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