I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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