awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
