Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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