Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
