I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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