I am in a vortex of obligation.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
