I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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