If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
